Hi all,

I've migrated my blog over to INTP Central of all places. Yes its busy, and spammy, but I have an account there and check the site often. And unfortunately, the blag is only readable by INTPc members.

It was originally titled "Nerding out with Zero Angel", but some wise ass changed it to "I'm ALWAYS serious.". Rawr!

http://forums.intpcentral.com/showthread.php?t=29502

Well, I was on INTPc today, and ran across this article

http://www.newsweek.com/id/137016

Well its all well and good, but I have a different theory (and they should really turn my idea into a movie)

The battle between athiests and god can be best portrayed, I believe, in the form of a giant robot battling an equally large sun. Sure the robot has missiles, but you must also remember that the sun can fire sunlight which the robot hates, because its a vampire robot that is weak against light elemental attacks. Oh and Einstein would be like a giant floating brain which is like all in love with both the robot and the sun, but since they're like destined to fight nothing can ever bring the peace except the love of the giant floating brain which wants the robot and the sun to get along.

You see where i'm going with this?

Hmm, I decided to change my daily routine a little bit. I would normally get on the computer and check messages and such, and as I do spend way too much time on it anyways. I just relaxed and started to draw. I got a call from a customer and made my way there, realizing I was going to be half an hour late I called them and let them know. The job went good, my customer was satisfied and said they would be recommending me to people they knew. That's good.

Getting back from my job was OK, see its not easy being a professional gigolo (:)), but at any rate. My clients seemed to have liked me.

So I got to reading and drawing while on the bus. I made this awesome drawing of a time mage (yes, i'm that much of a nerd), complete with background symbology which IMO represented time in a most abstract manner. I am proud of my little drawing, since that one was of good quality, and I rarely draw anymore. So once that was done, I got back to reading my book "You Inc. - The Art of Selling Yourself" -- which is a book about how to prosper in the business world. I've been taking it piece by piece, reading a little of it every few days and trying to put its steps into practice. And I must say that they really work. To me, this is one of the most profound books that i've ever read. Before I closed the book, I read this one page, the ending 'catch phrase' of that page just happened to be "The first rule, make yourself uncomfortable". So I tried to see if I could do it. I chatted up this random person, stuck with it, nothing happened, I moved on. Normally, I don't talk to people because I kid myself into thinking that 'they have nothing to offer', when in reality I'm just really shy and try to make up for that by being really self-controlled, and somehow I end up taking things too seriously. But at any rate, I tried, and didnt lose anything by trying.

When I got on the bus, I sat next to this lady who looked to be about 30, she had a backpack and was shuffling various drawings. A little interested, I sat in the seat across from her. They were technical drawings, not art. But this was even better! She appeared absorbed in them and didnt pay me any mind. Until I started talking.

"Excuse me. -- Are you an engineer, by any chance?"
"Yes, I am! I'm taking CAD/CAM"
"You must enjoy it if you can be so absorbed in those drawings"
"Yes, I enjoy it a lot" *smile*
"When I was in high school, I enjoyed doing drafting. Tell me more about your trade"

She went on, enthusiastically. Started telling me about how each different kind of material has properties that relate to its hardness and ductability. Talked to me about AutoCAD. I could barely keep up as my mind from going on internal tangents when she talked about things I didnt understand but I focused on the words, trusting my subconscious to process the information while I just focused on perceiving and echoing thoughts suitable for conversation. Its nice to be in the presence of someone intelligent, but she was really quick, I barely had the opportunity to interject and ask questions, but somehow managed to do that here and there -- it was nice to brighten someone's day. Then I found out why she spoke so quickly, her stop came up, within 7 minutes of our conversation. "It was really nice meeting you" she said as she got off. Likewise. I learned some valuable things.

I got home in an OK mood. My roommate got home from his job just shortly after me. The ESFJ roommate brought up bills and rent. Tried to say that I owed him for the month that I was away, even after I took care of my share of things. I was pissed off. For one, I didnt use any power or water while I was gone, I didn't eat any groceries, and he makes enough to cover his basic living expenses as it is, and I did take care of my responsibilities. I already paid off anything I owed when I got back from my trip. And was not going to throw in for things that I was not here to enjoy. Needless to say I was not happy. I stood my ground, rebutting his arguments, then I said "if thats what you think, guess i'll fucking move out". I was pissed and ready to pack up and get the hell out.

"We'll work something out" he told me. Then I said "this is the part where I remind you that i've always done right by you, but now I see how it really is. Whatever". He apologized. His little gambit failed. Rose colored glasses. Off.

All I know is I had to put all most all of the mental strength I had to sustain and push that argument to the very end. Ugh, I hate arguing unless its productive or useful, but this one was.

I know a guy who looks like an NT, thinks he's an INFP (he took an MBTI test once), but in reality is just as much an INFJ as I am (and is just as geeky), supposedly he's looking for a roommate, and given the ridiculous housing situation up here in Saskatoon, it would not be a bad idea. Seems like a kindred spirit, but I have not bothered to call him or anything to go and hang out... yet. So this is going to be my mission for this month.

And no matter what happens, I'll be OK. I must always remember this when things seem their hardest. It will all be OK, I just got to keep going. Cheers everyone.

Well, i've had a few plans to get back to Saskatoon, each one failing at some critical moment. The latest one being the Greyhound Bus plan, which involved me purchasing a ticket, hopping on the 4:00pm from Broadview to Regina, then transferring there to get to Saskatoon. So, I called the bus terminal in Broadview, inquiring about a ticket to Saskatoon, costs and departure times and such. Today comes, i'm happy to be headed home, at 3:45 I purchase a ticket, waiting with all my bags outside the gas station where the Greyhound stops. The bus comes on schedule, I got my bags tagged, and then I give the driver my ticket. He informs me that there is no transfer in Regina after 5pm. Which means I'd get there at 6pm and have to camp the night at the bus terminal and catch the 8am.

Fuck that! So I got my ticket refunded -- call my brother in law, who was going to Regina the next day. He says he can hook me up with a ride at 7am, which is awesome, meaning I can get to RG, wait a few hours at the terminal, and catch a bus going to Saskatoon. Well his car breaks down, and he's not going after all.

Bah! If I was a religious person, then I would probably take that as a sign that 'god' does not want me to return to Saskatoon, since fate is obviously conspiring to keep me here (BWAHAHAHA). But i'm not, however I will get back to Saskatoon

Someday...

EDIT: Yay i'm back.

Well. I havent written in here for the past year or so, but thanks to the "Scribefire" extension for firefox it's remarkably easy to do. A few things been happening.

Namely, I'm still a freelance computer technician, and business is going well. I find that doing it as I am gives me lots of freedom to dicatate my own schedules, to do lots of problem solving, and to even form connections with my clients. I'm competent, honest, and well-liked. Not much more to ask for.

I've also met a new friend a few months ago. She was on the INTP Central message board which I used to frequent, and lived in Chicago when we first started talking. She moved to Saskatoon about 2 or 3 months ago, and we've visited each other twice. She's an INTP with some ENTP leanings, is a *huge* MBTI geek (and even writing her own book on it), and generally awesome and fun to be around. She is good at typing people from what I have observed, and from our visits she found me to be extremely atypical of most people she met.

Apparently, i'm 'cute' in a way. I take in lots of things using the feeling function and process it with intuition, while at the same time being *very* logical about it. I'm also smart and able to express things well in words, assigning unique values and textures, while using a J-like function to classify them. And then she says, "you're an INFJ".

It blew my mind. Because the INFJ profile fits me as well as the (Paul James) INTP profile does, but i've always been quite sensitive under an aloof exterior. Well, I still have to mull it over a bit. Its strange when one bases their self-concept on who they think they are, and then something comes out of left-field and says 'nope you're wrong'. Her logic fits well, though, and we often find each other coming to the same conclusions with many a-ha! moments.


P.S.: Paul James, i'm certain, is an INJ of sorts, so i'm pretty sure he might've just been deflecting his qualities.

Well to catch any interested readers up on this blog, my situation is this, Anyways, I have been procrastinating on joining the army, but I am slowly taking steps to do so, including doing pushups (I actually have muscles now!) and the occasional jog or kata. But I have finally moved back to Saskatoon, I love this city and I love the people in the city. Every time I go out I meet somone who is worth 'unraveling' and a mutual exchange of positive energy happens. Anyways, I have spent the last week apartment hunting with my Dad, he has been a bit of a vagabond lately and he has gratefully accepted me knowing that I will help him find his grounding (responsibility) and he will do the same for me. So we finally got a place.

Today was an interesting day, well semi-interesting had it not been for this night. 1:00pm, I got up a few hours earlier somewhat disappointed that I didn't wake up before 10am, I have decided to head to the powwow celebration at the First Nations University, it was small, than I went to the doctor's office to get some medicine for Sinusitis that I picked up as a result of a cold. Ho hum.

But the night is what was really worth writing about. My dad's girlfriend dropped by and we took a trip to the gas station to pick up cigarettes. The city was great, one could lose all their worries just watching the lights going by and looking at the reflection of the full moon on the river as one passes by it, it at least kept me from disocciating and retreating within. Than my dad's girlfriend started talking about a play she was thinking of putting on for the alcoholics anonymous convention, she suggested that it had to do with relationships and dysfunction, then I suggested a scenario which was met with an amazed sounding 'wow, that's a really good idea'.

After we got back, I was talking to my dad and her GF about music (she plays guitar) and about the universal principles of music and how wonderous they are. After we got in, I started talking with my dad, with his GF sort of spectating. Eventually the conversation drifted into the realm of abstractions. My father (an INFJ) and I discussed the quantum 'universe', technology predictions, conspiracy theories (my dad was stating them and I was arguing against them) and even the the logical principles that the 13-moon calendar is based on! My god, it was one of the most mind blowing conversations that I ever had with anyone.

And it got me thinking of something that I knew but was always in the back of my mind:

"Loneliness is the knowing of something that you can't express"
-- Paraphrased from CG Jung

"Expression breeds joy"
-- Unknown

After trying all the other alternatives (ie: mindfulness, spirituality, self-reflection). It sucks to be misunderstood, ask any emo kid or INTP on the forums. I have encyclopedias of knowledge floating in my head, yet I could never have an abstract discussion with anyone, because everyone puts on this facade that they're normal, and you can't really tell which people are somewhat 'weird' underneath, the ones you can really talk to about everything but yourself. But I know this, after my father retired to his room, I played my guitar like I've never played it in my life, hell even after that tremendous buzz, I even felt bored and overjoyed at the same time, so I went to my upstairs neighbor and asked if he knew anyone who plays instruments (because I wanted to jam with them), even the music that I've heard dozens of times sounds as if as though i'm hearing it for the first time.

It is good to get things off of ones chest. There must be a reason why expression breeds such joy, and I believe it is because of this:

If you have ever been muddled and confused, thinking, thinking, thinking, going in circles. Have you ever found that talking aloud helps to fix things in your mind? Have you ever found that everything that you're going over, when said aloud, just stops it from coming back? Its almost as if you had made a pact with yourself to stop thinking about it. It stops the mind from being filled up with junk, and so much noise that it drowns out the voice of sanity, as if a heavy load has been lifted. And this applies to a lot of things, many NA (Narcotics Anonymous) members for example have entered into the program messed up, their lives in ruins because they have lost control of themselves and to some extent their sanity. As they attend meetings and talk about things, they grant themselves a tremendous form of liberation. They have the ability to STOP thinking about things (their traumatic childhood, their regrets, etc), going in circles and letting impulse take over their minds. And gradually they become functional, sane, and even really good people through the expression of pure honesty.

Anyways, there are a few printouts of things that I keep around because in them is contained an essence of something important to me, one of them is a topic made by an INTPCentral member 'Waxwing', called 'Interplay in Personality' and I will still keep it because it is one of the few things that I can completely relate to, and an interesting puzzle to play with. And now, I am one step closer to 'solving' it. :)

It's been awhile since I wrote in my journal. I've had a decently eventful summer, and keep thinking about all the events I should have wrote about including:

My INTJ girlfriend
My month-long stay in Wetaskiwin, Alberta
The Buffalo Days carnival and Theory of a Deadman concert

All of them would be exceptionally long journal entries to themselves. Anyways, for good or bad it just add up to the stockpile of experiences and lessons learned.

I've been living on my reserve for about a month and a half now working my website www.kahkewistahaw.com, updating it and protecting it against hackers, as well as doing some computer/network/email troubleshooting for my band. It's an OK job, though the pay and hours are not very great. And just working out and saving up money so that I can go back to Saskatoon and join the army from there.

I've been keeping myself busy with a few things like drawing, learning PHP, playing the guitar, dance music (mostly house). For one, I am getting far better at the guitar. One great thing about music is that it can be translated to different instruments, you can, for example, take a piano song and play it on the guitar because each guitar fret represents a 'note' like C or F (and notes are universal to most musical instruments). In fact, if you learn to play a musical instrument for long enough, you will eventually reach a point where you can teach yourself how to play simple melodies.

That reminds me, yesterday I picked up my baby-neice's xylophone-piano and just by pressing a few keys I remembered their pitch, then eventually taught myself how to play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and another lullaby song. THEN I picked up my guitar and did the exact same thing! Music is a satisfying hobby like that, as you start to get better, you start to feel music and create music. Even through all the plataus you hit, and days, weeks, or even months where you don't learn a thing, there comes a point where you sort of 'level up' and your new skill just sort of 'clicks' into place. I've learned many simple melodies by ear, including some of the Zelda themes like the Lost Woods theme and the Song of Time. I've been playing the guitar for over a year and its still difficult to play anything overly complex and fast, but it will only be a matter of time, maybe another year before they become easy.

I finally decided to go out Saturday night, had a shower and put on my best clothes. Being a semi-unmotivated bum, I have no car, but my ISTJ brother-in-law and 'familia', Mike, lent me his car (an Intrepid) for the night. So I went to check out a dance, it was supposed to be an all-ages dance, but there were mostly highschool kids there and none of the adults were dancing. But it was no matter, I love dancing too, so I got out on the floor and busted quite a few moves. It was fantastic, I had loads of fun, some of the highschool girls were wolf-whistling at me and this 12 year old boy with rollerskates was circling around me while I was dancing.

Then I drove home, stereo pounding, feeling good, only to find everyone asleep. So I checked the fridge, still had quite a many beers left and rang those phones to find out where the parties were, no success, so I just went to where the parties always are. Well, it was ok there, there were only a few people drinking, and I had a good conversation with them all. There was this slutty girl there who was trying to get around me and I ended up 'taking her home' only to find out that she has kids, it makes me wonder how you can really tell since she did have a pretty great body, anyways it didnt seem right to one-night-stand her with her kids in the house, so I left to find another party. Well, no success, however I stopped by an old acquaintances house, Lawrence, a guy who I went to highschool with for a year. We had a really good discussion about art and music (he is an artist) and current goings on, and I went home in a good mood and very tired.

I just got back from my stay on my reserve. I was asked by the band manager to come down and do some work for them, so after some arrangements were handled I packed 2 bags took the bus down, the trip down felt like an adventure as I brought my guitar on the bus with me, when we arrived at the exchange point I sat down and played for a little while and some guy just came up and started talking to me, he was very talkative and informed me he had aspergers, so we boarded the bus and he sat beside me with his gameboy, didn't mind though since I wasn't too interested in the book I brought with me (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance). I solved a few of his little problems and then it was like I was his hero, huzzah! Great time though, made the trip shorter.

When I arrived on Kahkewistahaw, I got right to work, trained some moderators for my/their website and a bunch of other computer/website related things. I liked that I was asked to come down because its always good to know that you're needed or wanted or useful in some way and not just wasting your life. I had some good times down there, went to a few parties, made a new friend. I had planned to be down for 2 weeks but ended up staying for an extra one because I was still needed there.

When I got home, I quickly went to sleep and the next day I went on to have an excellent time, I played my guitar the best I have played it (Classical Gas is a difficult song to play). Late in the day, I had a mysterious panic attack, for an entire 5 minutes I felt this sense of sheer terror, so I talked to my sister about it and she noticed my eyes were completely dilated for an entire half hour. That was the first time that it had ever happened, so I went to the ER to get it checked out. The doctors didnt find anything, so it seemed like maybe something I got from sleep deprivation and lack of food. Its the first time that anything like that ever happened to me, and I will assume it was brought on by lack of sleep and food. Hope it doesnt happen again.

== JOINING THE MILITARY ==

I had the opportunity to read this excellent essay called Ethics, Education and the Contemporary Relevance of the Samurai. I printed it out and read it a few times, and things really started sticking. Comparing it to my own experiences I found it to be very true. I have decided that its not enough to simply have integrity or compassion, but to develop absolute fearlessness. All of the people who I most deeply respect are fearless and protectors, so I decided that the only way to develop this fearlessness would be to face adversity and death, the military being a natural conditioner of these qualities.

I posted my intent on this to a message board and spoke with some of the people who were actually in the forces, then went to the office a few days ago and had a lengthy discussion with some of the recruiters there, the first guy I spoke to (Petty Officer 2nd Class, Bill Busche) was actually suggested that I might want to try on the reserves first. I eventually said no and stated that I wanted to join for 3 years as a non-commissioned member. I then spoke with one of my uncles who was an infantryman, and he told me straight out what military life is like, he said that basic training can be extremely tough and that they basically push people hard enough to break the weak ones. I still want to join, if I don't then I might as well curl up and die because I can never overcome my shyness or truly be a man if I avoid discomfort all of my life. The recruiter stated that for one to qualify for entry they should be physically fit enough to do 20 pushups and run 2.4km in 11 minutes. I do not yet meet these requirements, I can do 15 pushups and run 2.4km in 19 minutes.

I will spend the next two weeks physically conditioning myself so that I can join the forces and be a Combat Engineer. Combat Engineers will have the capability to lay and remove mines, build structures (like bridges, buildings and defenses), use explosives, and fight as infantry when needed.

I went for a long ass jog yesterday, 2.5k km one way and 2.5km back, half-killing myself in the process. I will meet that mark eventually.

== SYRIANA: AND RENEWED INTEREST IN INTERNATIONAL POLITICS ==

I had the opportunity to watch a political thriller a few days ago called Syriana. It is basically about the influence of oil on world politics and how people will go to any lengths to get it. I watched it with a sense of dread and fear, for one it is a very disjointed movie with several simultaneous plots, only at the end do your really know how they all mesh together; you need to watch it twice to get a full sense of everything that is happening and it can be a very gruesome watch, however it is worth it! The ending is NOT a happy ending like so many hollywood flicks.

I know its fiction, but it did bring to light a few of the atrocities and manipulations that people are willing to commit for money and power. It was dystopic in that there were two factions, not good and bad as in most movies, but the players and the played, where nobody wins except those who are willing to manipulate. And the thing is, though it can be unbelievable, I believe it! There is no length to what humans are capable in their quest for security, money, and power. So I did a little bit of poking around and what I found shook the foundations of my beliefs, the things that happen in that movie happen in real life. I could rant endlessly on about how much the world depends on oil, how it affects international politics, how it keeps the US dollar from crashing to nothing, how the US was able to fund their war, and what other manipulations come into effect that have lead to the US's military aggressiveness. Paradigm changing stuff, definitely.

Well I didn't get the job at Computer Boulevard, which really sticks in my craw, as I thought I was qualified. When they asked about my weaknesses, perhaps I shouldve lied about them or at least diminished them instead of being completely honest. So, I suppose I will have aim a little bit lower though I don't really want to compromise on this and end up getting a job that I hate. Why? Because I am the type of person who will put 110% into his job, and I want to make sure that I am putting that 110% into a job that I like instead of a manual labor job that does not allow me to grow.

Anyways, I supposedly had a girlfriend, *had* a girlfriend, which is odd. And given that she was the one that asked me out at an N.A. Convention dance its even more strange. (People, keep this in mind, N.A. is *not* all old people and squares, there are a lot of really cool and fun people there there from late teenagers to old adults, and the dances are insanely fun). This weekend I tried to get a hold of my date to take her out for a local jam out at a nearby pub. No good, I couldn't get a hold of her, so I went alone, resolved not to let that disappoint me.

I decided to take a walk this time (5km) and arrived there an hour later ready to have fun regardless of everything else. When I am resolved to have fun, I usually do. For the totally blind, Vangelis Tavern is located on Broadway street and is host to a few acts, including L.O.R.D. Funk (a funk/blues man), the Sunday Night Jam sessions (featuring a mix/match of local artists) and various other special acts. I went there a few times last summer and thoroughly enjoyed it, not to mention being introduced to some of the artists, there is quite a bit of talent there, and I highly suggest that anyone who likes blues/rock check it out.

This night was not as good as the other times though. There usually is a free mixing/matching of different bands, but tonight a few people were hogging the stage. Not that I minded too much, the ones that were up there are fairly decent musicians. The guitarist in particular (Frank) impressed me, he tried to sing, and I realized that the man CANNOT hold a pitch, but it was good to see him try, and his soloing more than made up for it. And when I say soloing making up for it, i'm talking about Iron Maiden style soloing, you could tell the man was really into it and was enjoying every second of it.

Anyways, I left there and went adventuring further, most of the pubs that I went to just didn't have good bands. I went to a kareoke joint and sang some kareoke and then I finally caught a cab home. Sober the whole time which is OK since i'm trying to quit drinking, it takes a lot of guts to be extraverted when one is sober, so that's what I did. Overall a very good and fun night.

If my GF is avoiding me like I think she might be, that will be cool with me. I am not a clingy kind of guy, and wasn't really attracted to her in the first place (sad but true).

In other news, I just bought two books, the first called "Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Maintainance", and the second one called KISS Guide to Learning the Guitar for those much needed lessons on scales, sheet music, and numerous other things I will need to learn if I want to become a competent guitarist. 'Zen' is a pretty decent book so far and I'm 1/4 the way through it. It is basically half story and half narrative on the nature of reason, logic, and intuition; set through the narrator's trek through the northern united states.

In other other news, I did some computer related jobs for people over the past few days, I have a potential new friend, my dad has a new girlfriend, and my previous employer has quite a lot of computer related fires that need putting out (figuratively speaking), so I will be going down there for a week or two to get some work done. Things are going well at times, and not so well at others since I am an emotional whirlwind at the moment (though you would probably never notice).

Hi all, and welcome to my Livejournal.

Not normally a fan of putting my life out for the world to see because who really cares about my petty life? But oh well, it gives me the opportunity to crystallize my thoughts. I find that its useful to write about a lot of things, and if someone reads it and enjoys it well WTH, it was good for us both (I suppose?).

Anyways, I took the Meyer Briggs temperament indicator personality test a long time ago. And I have tested and behaved something like an INTJ. Becoming fascinated with the test itself, I have retested myself, studied the system by reading books, right down to getting the cognitive processes down and being able to 'type' people with about 65% accuracy. So here I am, an INTP, not an INTJ like I first thought.

Yes, the computer nerd type of INTP. But, I enjoy being a nerd, I have always been a little eccentric and a little out of place, and now I know why!

~~~~~

I got into computers a long time ago, and have worked in the webdesign business for 5 years and gradually got the skills to do IT stuff like hardware troubleshooting and networking for my community (Kahkewistahaw First Nation, as well as the Marieval Enterprise Center in Cowessess). What a challenge that was! And one that I have enjoyed greatly. It is good to come from being the quiet kid in school to the competent guy who gets respect, who designs, researches and puts forward IT proposals, and can use his brain power to get things done!

8 months ago, I moved out of my small community to Saskatoon (It was a sad goodbye because nobody really wanted me to go and I was even offered a raise), just in time for the almighty fringe festival, a spectacular festival of live theatre and bands, not to mention the sunday jam sessions on Broadway. Now I am addicted to this city.

After summer left I stayed in all winter working for my community from home (over the internet), attending a few N.A. meetings (but felt out of place) and even DJ'd the New Years dance for my home group! (what an honor that was); but always scraping by (working from home isnt the most profitable business). Alas, its getting warm again. And everytime I go downtown I see posters of live bands, literature conventions, theater, and I am reminded of all of the opportunities this city has to offer. Summer is coming, and so is the air of electricity that comes with it.

So now instead of scraping by, I have applied for a job at a place called Computer Boulevard, as a service technician (had my interview today). It seemed to go well... I hope I get it because I would love to work there, and I will have enough money to pay for a car and take in all of the sights and sounds. And I will have enough money to pimp out my guitar setup by having some professional adjustments done, getting a distortion pedal and new amp. I can't wait!